The day I stopped running
27 Jul
It begun as a challenge. Deep in my eating disorder, I subsisted on an apple, or a carrot a day along with a dinner of a steamed fish. Understandably, I found myself gasping for a breath a mere 5mins. Two months into running, the 5.30pm runs had become routine and I started eating normally again.
Breezing through 4.8km, six days a week with ease, I remember being in a zone. Step after step into the gravel path and before I knew it, I was at the end of the running route. The evening begun no special than the one before, I hid my water bottle deep in scrubs and away from the lifting legs of the dogs that walked the route. I ran.
Close to the end, I noticed an elderly couple sitting on one of the benches that lined the trail. Thinking nothing of them, I made my way past them. As I jogged past them, I heard the man exclaim loudly in mandarin "Look at her legs, they are so UGLY! All the scars!" In a second, I realised that he was talking about me. At the tender age of 16, I also had atopic ezema which flared up in the humid Singapore heat, being allegic to grass exacerbated the skin condition.
I remember my tears falling down my cheeks uncontrollably as I ran past them pretending that I did not understand a word of what they said. It is one thing to have an insecurity, it is another to have it pointed out to you in full view of everyone and their grandmother. I went home that evening and sobbed my eyes out. Sadly, all it took was one comment from an (im)perfect stranger for me to fall deeper into my condition and away from the one thing that kept me healthy.
I do not recall running outdoors ever since.
14 years later, here I am recounting this because, I need to get to the bottom of why running or any sort of race/outdoor activity scares me so much. It is amazing how powerful the mind is and what it can do.
hey, did you have this ‘episode’ today? I may not know exactly how you feel but i’m not sure if it it makes you feel any better. Today I was on the treadmill running and suddenly I started crying!! Not the bawling crying kind but tears just kept flowing, I’m not sure how the other 2 runners beside me reacted, I tried to stay calm and continued running but I’m not sure why I was so swept up with emotions today. Initially I thought it was a video documentary on Diabetes showing on TV that made me all upset but then I wasn’t even listening to it but instead was listening on my iPod so that cna’t really be the reason. Strangely after that I felt better. Might be the stresses of work.
Whatever it is, you shouldn’t let other peoople’s comment get to you. Running makes you feel free, so what if you have scars on your legs, everyone has!
That man was so mean !! Get a life man….huh…stay strong girl…
Losernator: It happened 14 years ago, I was trying to remember why I stopped running because I recall really liking it and being good at it. I am going to start running again because, i’m aiming to do a 5k (all run, no walking!) by the end of the year, be it a competition or personal goal. Thanks for being sweet, i know it’s crazy to let a comment get to you but as an insecure 16 year old, I didn’t know better, I suppose.
Jo Ann: Thanks dear! :P I know right!! What a mean dude. At least i know better now.
hehe, hope to achieve that goal. I’ve signed up for GE10K and Singapore Marathon. Hope to at least run continuously for the first 5km or more. Hope to run with you and other people one day :)
Losernator: Do you know of any 5k races after mid Nov? I wanted to do the GE10K but, i don’t think I can do 10k without dying or losing a limb :P
C’mon! if you can do 5k, another 5k wont kill you!! :P most of the time the last 5k is usually walking and the last mile you sprint! Altho i think Standard Chartered Marathon has 5k if i’m not wrong.